ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
