What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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