I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
