So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
