I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Boobs speak an international language.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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