i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
