I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
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