Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
