If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
