I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Randomize
