my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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