Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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