I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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