just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
