Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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