FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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