he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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