I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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