I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
