CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
