Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Randomize
