mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Randomize
