I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Randomize
