mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
