The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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