if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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