hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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