I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Randomize
