I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
You're like the curious george of whores
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
