I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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