I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
