i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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