Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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