dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Randomize
