just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
