I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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