Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
