I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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