Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
