I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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