I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
