If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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