i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
