well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Randomize
