i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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