Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
How does it feel to date your dad?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
