My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
