So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
