Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
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