there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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